Heatwave
Christ on a bike, this heatwave is boring.
Armpits constantly fostering the ideal conditions for the cultivation of mushrooms, no energy, stinking drains, yellow grass, and salads, salads, I’m getting really bored of eating salads. Everyone’s looking really cheesed off with the heatwave now, so it looks like the novelty of sunshine has finally worn off.
That still didn’t stop that gormless Scottish bint on BBC Breakfast yesterday morning describing the weather as beautiful about seven times. It’s not beautiful or lovely. It’s just weather. It’s actually a pain in the neck for gardeners, farmers, and anybody who prefers starting cold and wrapping up to constantly battling to keep cool. Why these bloody weather people actually think anyone wants to hear them add their opinions to the weather forecast is beyond me. Don’t tell me it’s beautiful. Tell me whether it’s hot or cold, wet or dry, rainy or cloudy. And absolutely don’t you dare tell me I should be wrapping up warm. Save it for your kids, don’t insult my intelligence. Talk about talking a job up, weather presenters take the biscuit.
I’m ABS – Anything But Summer. Give me crisp cool mornings, clear ionised air, rain, brown leaves littering the ground, seeing my own breath mist before me, bonfires, extra layers. Keep your orange tan, aged skin, overheated trains and dead plants. Summers are going to get hotter and hotter, people are going to suffer. It’s serious. The time is rapidly approaching when people will suffer summers and look forward to the sanctuary of winter. I’m already there.
Quite Random is the blog of Nathan Nelson, a human male who lives in the UK and is not entirely sure what he's going to do when he grows up but is interested in international development, photography, secularism, technology, music and movies and other things anyone of his age would be.
You cannot complain about having a hot summer. I have already told off my house mate for doing that. We British spend our entire lives talking about the weather but more specifically complaining about the rain or the cold. Now it’s sunny and hot we’re all pissed off about it. If anyone is allowed to complain it should be people like me that have chronic allergies and asthma, that can’t breathe due to the heat induced smog. All you need to do is adjust your attitude to that of a Spaniard and optimise your daily routine accordingly. Yes I admit today’s forecasted thunderstorms will come as a relief but I’m not hoping for an August of temperate weather and rain.
Reasons why I can complain:
So ner.
And by the way, how the hell would a Spanish lifestyle work in the UK? Yes, in Spain. Yes, in Argentina. But here? You wouldn’t be able to enjoy your tapas sat outside at eleven at night for the stink of piss emanating from the doorway of Poundstretcher, or the cackling of some enebriated scrubber in a skirt that’s smaller than a belt.
all those things are true except for saying ‘ooh saucy’…I’m not suggesting you open a tapas bar near a poundstretcher just walk slower, aim to achieve less and generally just chill out.
If only we could chill out. That’s the problem.
it’s like winter outside now and I’m not happy - I hope you are
Yes thank you
Oh, may I tell you why all of you - irrespective of your preference for cold or hot weather - are so absolutely British? It’s because you LOVE moaning (either while admiring the own breath mist before yourself, or just stoically sweating).
Oh, aren’t you clever. Well done. I guess while we’re on stereotypes I should suggest that all Italians are greasy-haired chauvanists who love the sound of their own voice? Neh…
To the greasy innuendo, you should know that IF it might happen that an Italian’s male hair does appear somehow ‘greasy’ it’s not due to… err… natural grease, but a result of chauvinists smearing hair gel in their wonderful hair - deliberately. Of course that is superfluous, we would love them no less with un-greased hair, but try explain a man (of any nationality) the reason girls might love him for.
A discrete hint to ‘natural grease’: bathing was introduced to the English by the ‘greasy-haired chauvinists’ ancestors – the list of Roman founded spas in Britain is quite long.
On another note: greasy-haired chauvinists’ ancestors are the inventors of (beside spas) the custom of a bundle of rods with a projecting axe blade carried by a lictor – that practice still seems very… fascio-nable…