Patientline

On December 8 2006 · 1 Comment · In Diary

Mum went into hospital Wednesday night in a hurry, well, actually in an ambulance. My aunt, her best friend and I wanted to get hold of her to see how she was. The nurse looking after her was able to describe how she was doing, but only you can describe how you’re feeling. That’s why I wanted to talk to her directly. The nurse can’t put you through. There was a time no so long ago when a payphone on a trolley was rolled across the ward, or a cordless phone taken to the bedside, so you could have a conversation – even if it’s just about feeding the dog, fetching fresh pants, and when you can come and visit.

Now hospitals have Patientline. The shower of bastards.

You can’t talk to anyone, or receive calls, until you buy a pre-pay card, worth £3.50, £5 or £10. When you do get one of these cards, you can enjoy all of the facilities that Patientline offers – TV, crappy Internet access, and a phone, all on a convenient wipe-clean monitor unit that hovers over your bed on a long arm like you’re in the first row of beds on a long-haul flight.

When you phone the patient at their bed, before being connected you are first given a chirpy message telling you that your call costs 49p a minute, 39p a minute off peak. This message takes one minute. When you get through, your conversation is given maybe the slightest sense of extra urgency for the fact that you are practically paying as much as you would to enter a TV holiday competition or listen to porn. Making calls outwards is the same – a few phone calls, and a £5 pre-pay card is spent. But it’s OK because Patientline make it easy to top up with your debit card. How very helpful.

I’m not sure how Patientline can justify charging these prices to offer these facilities, but I’m sure they can try. What I am sure of is that charging these prices, and offering a service which is so conspicuously not about patient care, and so conspicuously about making money hand over fist, is truly contemptible. They are screwing people over for money at a time when people have no choice, and their sense of urgency and concern force them to comply. And that makes them the lowest of the low.

Mum’s OK, and will be coming home soon.


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